Brain Dump at the Midnight Hour

Standard

Ahhh….racing the clock again.  I just learned that I have to post by midnight Eastern time for my “slice of life” to legitimately meet the requirements of the challenge.  This does not work well for my night owl writing prowls.

I’m just now wrapping up another whirlwind day.  I’ll work backwards from my day today just to mix things up.

I’m very late hitting the keyboard tonight, because I hosted an event at my house for my moms’ group this evening.  I’m on the board for our neighborhood moms’ group, so I got tapped to host the new member gathering this evening.  While this involved the typical headaches of getting my house cleaned (and even harder- keeping it clean until people arrived), I always feel a sense of gratitude after doing things like this.  I feel thankful that we live in a home that can accommodate gatherings like this.  While our house is not enormous, the open flow of the rooms is really conducive to mingling.  After spending three years living in small apartments in Nashville, owning our own home is really such a gift.

The beginning of my day was much less fun.  I spent the morning at the doctor’s office getting a brain  MRI.  I’ve been having positional vertigo issues when I lie down for almost two years, so my doctor decided we should investigate.  I have never had an MRI before and I was not really prepared for the experience.  The worst part for me was probably the duration.  I was stuck in that tube unable to move my upper body for over 30 minutes.  And then there was the noise.  Each scan produced an unpleasant rhythmic pelting sound in staccato bursts.  It was like being in a small tin tube while machine gun fire pummeled the outside of my flimsy bomb shelter.  One of the hardest parts for me was my inability to focus on positive thoughts.  When you are lying inside a claustrophobic tunnel absorbing abrasive noise from all directions, it is difficult to daydream of sunshine and rainbows.  I struggle with anxiety at baseline which is triggered by health issues, so I fought hard to beat back visions of dreadful diagnoses.

To be honest, I’m in a season of combat with my anxiety right now.  I personally know three young people battling cancer right now: a grad school colleague, a former Nashville neighbor and friend, and Ben’s cousin.  They are all close in age to me and have young children and their stories are heartbreaking.  This dreadful disease has become my greatest fear.  Health issues have always been what sends my anxious mind reeling, which I blame on the fact that I grew up surrounded by unhealthy parents.  I was always waiting for a dreadful diagnosis to change my world….and eventually it did.  In addition to the vertigo, I’m also struggling with a chronic scratchy throat and hoarseness that’s been nagging for over a month.  I’m having a hard time deciding if these issues are real concerns or just seasonal allergies that are exacerbated by my anxious tendency to fear the worst.  It’s amazing how the anxious brain can manifest itself through physical symptoms.  There’s something about being a mother to very young children that makes me feel even more vulnerable to the cruel unpredictability of illness.  However, I must admit that just taking the time to honestly put my fears in writing does make me feel better, like I am a bit more in control.

Ugh…and by the time I’ve finished this disorganized cathartic dump, it is well past 11:00 CST- which means I’ve technically missed the “slice of life” deadline.  It’s been a roller coaster kind of day in my soul.  I’m still feeling content that I showed up to output.  Now time to power down.

Advertisements

About ericamcmo

I am currently a stay-at-home mom to my two darling boys. Before that I was a high school English teacher for 9 years. This blog is just an attempt to keep my latent passion for writing ablaze as I march through these busy years!

4 responses »

  1. I know that having had experience with illnesses, either your own or with someone close to you, can create that kind of anxiety. I feel it myself sometimes. I also agree that writing down your fears can help calm your mind.

  2. Whether missing the deadline or not, I’m glad you wrote and shared what was happening in your life. I hope that the challenging MRI might help with your vertigo. It isn’t easy when you know of close ones who are ill. It touches you in some layer always, thinking of them and how they’re doing. Hope your mothers’ group was a fun part of the day!

  3. Hey, E. Thanks for sharing such a vulnerable moment from your day. That image of you in the MRI was so powerful, you described it superbly – It was like being in a small tin tube while machine gun fire pummeled the outside of my flimsy bomb shelter. I’ll be thinking of you, and so sorry to hear about your friends and family battling cancer. It’s so scary. I’m glad your day ended on a positive note.

  4. The writing is the important part. Thank you for giving us a peek into your thoughts and fears; I hope that you feel they found a safe resting place with your readers. I’ve sent prayers for health and healing your way!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s